


Avengers Against Humanity

by Rainne



Series: Thank-You Fics [13]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adult Humor, Cards Against Humanity, Gen, just like you and me, sexual innuendo, the avengers are terrible people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 00:46:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8182474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainne/pseuds/Rainne
Summary: A late-night game of Cards Against Humanity.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tygermama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tygermama/gifts).



> This fic is part of my Thank-You Fics, so called because they have been written as thank-you gifts to people who have donated to my mother's cancer fund, which is helping to pay for my mother's end-of-life care.
> 
> If you would like to know more about my writing and my gift fics and how to get a Thank-You Fic of your own, please visit [this Tumblr post](http://rainnecassidy.tumblr.com/post/118466323344/please-help). Thanks.

"What the hell is - I'm almost afraid to ask, honestly. What the hell is a vajazzled vagina?"

There's laughter around the table as Darcy Lewis picks up a bottle and takes a swig before putting it back down and turning to face the confusion on Bucky Barnes's face.  "Okay, so, vajazzling was a trend for a hot minute back in, like, 2010 or something, where women would get these stick-on, like, rhinestones and stuff, and use them to make fancy patterns on their, uh." She makes a gesture, fingers fluttering, toward her crotch.

There's a long silence before Bucky says, "Nah, bullshit."

"No, it's true," Jane offers. She's drunk as hell on the other side of the table, her face pink and her eyes wide.  "I had it done once. For - for - for - Darcy, what was his name?"

"Donald," Darcy says, a touch of acid in her voice. "Donald the Douchebag."

"That's got a nice ring to it," Tony offers from the other end of the table. "I like it."

Bucky shakes his head, looking down at the spread of cards in front of him. His eyes flick from one to another before lighting on one. His hand drops to it and he picks it up, grinning broadly.  "Oh yeah, it's this one."

"So what _is_ a girl's best friend, Buck?" Steve asks, coming back in from the kitchen with a bowl of snack mix.

Bucky smirks, flipping the card around so everyone can see it, and holding up his metal hand to wiggle the fingers. "Cybernetic enhancements."

A chorus of shouts and catcalls go around the table, and then the white cards get put away even as Clint, with a grin, claims the black one. 

Chortling loudly, Darcy reaches for the pile of black cards and slides the one off the top, holding it up to read it.  "In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for - what?"

"Oh, this ought to be good," Clint opines, flipping a card across the table.  The stack of white cards builds up quickly, and Darcy shuffles them before laying them out one by one, reading them aloud as she goes.  "Seventy-two virgins, half-assed foreplay, surprise sex, a salty surprise, and a micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties."  She sits there for a minute, staring at the cards, and then shakes her head.  "You people all need Jesus."

"Hey, come on," Jane complains. "Who _wouldn't_ want to share their cell with a micropig in a tiny raincoat and booties?"

"I wouldn't," Tony replies. "Pigs are filthy animals."

"I wouldn't, either," Steve agrees.  "Now, maybe if it was wearing a tiny pair of railroad conductor overalls."

Laughing, Darcy flips through the cards again before settling on _a salty surprise._ Steve whoops, claiming the black card and his point, and Tony shakes his head.  "I still can't believe Captain Perfect over there not only gets this game but enjoys it."

"Yeah, that's probably 'cause you still keep callin' him 'Captain Perfect'," Bucky replies. "This dude drew some of the filthiest eight-pagers I ever saw when we were still in school."

"Aw, Buck, don't go telling all my secrets," Steve complains. "It's more fun to keep blowing his tiny mind."

"Eight-pagers?" Clint asks, reaching for a black card.

"Tijuana bibles," Steve replies.

"Porn," Darcy explains, pulling her phone out for a quick google. She hands it to Clint, who stares at the images on the screen with wide eyes.

"Seriously?" the archer asks. "You drew this stuff?"

"Sure," Steve replies, shrugging. "It was good money. I mean, _really_ good money."

"Damn right it was," Bucky agrees. "I made pretty decent money workin' at the butcher shop, but Steve drew at least twice my salary, maybe more." He shakes his head. "And still dressed like he was livin' in an alley."

"Well, who was I gonna impress?" Steve replies, taking a swig of his beer. "Not anybody, that's who."

Bucky shakes his head, then waves a hand at Clint. "Go, man, it's your turn."

Clint looks down at the card in his hand. "In a thousand years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?"

"Oh, I have the best one," Jane exclaims, tossing a card out immediately.  The others follow suit, and then Clint begins flipping them over.

"Pictures of boobs, I'd take that as currency now," he says.  "Tentacle porn."

"Tentacle porn? That's a thing?" Steve interrupts. "Like octopus tentacles?"

"Usually some kind of alien monster," Tony clarifies. "In the modern Japanese versions of your eight-pagers."

"Oughta look into that," Bucky says, grinning at Steve. "Make a little walking-around money."

Steve gets a thoughtful look, and Clint dives back into the cards. "O _kay_ ," he says. "Authentic Mexican cuisine, yes please.  Coat-hanger abortions, Jesus Christ, people.  No, no, I'm going with _exactly what you'd expect_. That's safe."

"This is a terrible game," Jane opines.

"I know," Darcy agrees. "It says so right on the box. It's your turn to pick a black card."

Jane picks one. "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?"

"All of you assholes," Bucky announces, flipping a card onto the table.  The rest of them follow suit, and Jane gathers them up to read them aloud.  "Robert Downey, Jr. That's actually accurate," she says, setting the card aside.  She pauses. "A sex goblin with a carnival penis? What the hell?"

Darcy shrugs. "I dunno, man, I've got a bunch of weird expansion packs."

"You would." Jane sets that card aside. "Loki, the trickster god. Probably not. Genetically engineered super-soldiers, okay, yes, Steve, she thought you were very sweet, but that's not going to make you win with this card."

"Not my card," Steve replies, grinning. Tony snorts from the other side of the table.

Jane shakes her head. "No, I'd have to say the winner is definitely _lumberjack fantasies._ I mean, this is my grandma we're talking about here, and my grandpa used to always wear flannel shirts. I think grandma might've had a fetish."

"And I didn't need to know that about your grandma," Darcy interrupts. "It might be time for drunk astrophysicists to go to bed."

"No, I can't go to bed yet!" Jane complains. "I haven't had a chance to play _MechaHitler_ yet!"

Bucky and Steve speak in unison. "Mecha- _what_?!"


End file.
